I'd Forgotten what Panic Attacks Felt Like
I didn’t realize that was what I was doing all week. The Park Fire is only 3 miles away from my house.
Here’s a satellite shot of the fire — to get the size of it, the tiny red dot is ALL of Chico, the blue dot is Paradise, which is where the fire was 5 years ago. The big dark grey area is burnt forest.
It’s been so long since I have experienced panic attacks! It’s like not being able to get inside your own skin because there is an electric shock each time you try to be present, or think straight, or do anything constructive.
I’ve been on the verge of vomiting/crying/collapsing all week. Feeling like this is not like me. I don’t do panic. It surprised me almost as much as the fire itself. Let’s just say it really, really, really, sucks.
After 5 days of pacing and worrying and feeling brainless and helpless, I am finally starting to be able to think clearly and rationally — what a relief. I hope I get the rest of myself back soon.
I stopped driving 5 years ago because I’m so deaf — I was becoming a menace on the road! It was another shock to realize that if I had to evacuate, I’d have to depend on friends, or just walk. Because of that, I’ve felt completely helpless and powerless and alone. Abandoned.
The fire is still on the edges of town, but dwindling in force. Most of it is at the top north and east sides, miles from here. It has destroyed a couple towns — flattened them right down to the nubs — and scorched over 350,000 acres. Devastating.
Here is an article with some amazing pix — brace yourself —
https://www.cnn.com/2024/07/29/us/park-fire-paradise-california-chico
WHY???
I am completely blown away thinking about why anyone would ever want to start a fire like this. It just goes so far beyond my ken as to be out in space somewhere. I think the guy ought to be sent to the front lines to fight the fire. Or no — how about being dropped into the middle of it, with no backup? (Add lots of cuss words here…)
After helping fight a couple of small brush fires when I lived up in the foothills long ago, I gained a very keen respect for how incredibly, unimaginably, hot a wildfire is.
It was just a field burning, a low fire — only a foot tall — but you can’t get within 50 feet of it without feeling like your face is being scorched off your very bones. I can’t begin to imagine how the firefighters march right into the fires to fight them. They are real heroes.
Lessons learned:
1. Have a car, even an old junker. Better than depending on others. Keep it in good shape, and fueled and ready to go at any time.
2. Tapping only helped a bit. I was so surprised. Lesson #3 grew right out of this:
3. Ask for help. I’m one of those who prefers to help others, and rarely make a peep asking for myself. This time, I did — several people kindly stepped forth to help me manage my chaotic brain and sooth my fears. You know who you are — I know you don’t want your names mentioned. Bless your hearts.
4. Have a go-bag ready. I was pleased that I did have things set to go in case I had to evac.
5. Include food in the go-bag — I’d forgotten to, until someone reminded me. Non-perishable. And bottles of water — I did have those.
6. Get a good alert app — I was stymied by the one I was advised to get and use — it’s been half a hair away from useless. After this is all over, I will search for a better one and educate myself as to how to use it.
7. Worrying doesn’t help. I know, tell that to the person panicking! But really —all it does it make you feel worse. After I got calmed down, a friend suggested that I write this to share my little lessons. So here it is. And yes, writing it has helped me feel more focused. Now to look for an old junker.
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TAPPING: EFT, the Emotional Freedom Techniques
Yes, tapping helped, but in this case, I even forgot to tap! I had to tap to calm down enough to remember to tap! So silly. So grateful I have friends who could help me calm down.
Don’t know about tapping? Go here to find out: EFTinEveryHome.com
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The Fire Set Me on My Head!
© Angela Treat Lyon 2024